In our society today an image like this is automatically deemed “sexy” and several questions or statements about the person in the image may run through your mind. Although some may find this picture “sexy”, “unflattering”, “doing the most”, etc. it is meant to show the level of acceptance I am at, and hopefully encourage others!
The TooTRILL Blog is a space of true authenticity no matter the topic at hand. Although I have several pictures on my different social media platforms showing this amount, if not more, of my body I was skeptical about posting this image. Every picture I have posted before showing this amount of skin had a lot of behind the scenes effort that went into it prior to posting. I would make sure the picture was taken at the perfect angle, I would stand on my tip toes to elongate the body and perfect my posture, I would push a hip out to give a seductive curve while widening my stance and pushing my butt back to create a more urban or “stallion-like” appeal! The thought behind the image above was much different. I didn’t want there to be anything “sexy” about this post. No makeup on, hair uncombed, no tip toe posture tricks, or twist of the hip for “coke bottle” curves. I wanted this picture to showcase me in what was once to me my most vulnerable state.
When I set out on this journey of becoming a blogger/influencer I didn’t know how much of an impact I could really make on people’s lives. The internal battle of self love and heightened confidence is something that I am learning that everybody, especially women, no matter their shape, size, or color deal with on a daily basis! As my platforms grow and followers become more comfortable with me I am seeing that my vulnerability is striking nerves in them creating a space of inclusion. Messages, comments, face-to-face conversations about how because of a Snapchat rant, Facebook/Instagram post, YouTube video, etc that I posted they were inspired or encouraged to love themselves a little more!
I am very goofy, care-free, and sometimes blunt about my body insecurities but it all came over a very long journey of self acceptance. I was not always able to laugh about the things I hated about my body. I have always been a bigger girl and several life occurrences took place before I was able to love Tangeia for every thing that is me. I endured physical and verbal abuse from guys I used to talk to, I allowed myself to be an object of sexual fantasy instead of a companion, I negatively internalized expectations put on me by my parents, I allowed myself to be used by people I considered friends because I had not yet found myself, and I definitely did not love myself. It was not until 2014 that I was able to come to the realization that I am, I will be, and deserve MORE!
Well into the second quarter of the year of 2014 was when I realized all the “Bad Bitch-ness” that lived inside of me! I was a young black educated queen with so much drive and ambition….how dare I shadow or belittle myself for anyone. This is when TanBanGotti was born! I no longer stood in the mirror over analyzing and criticizing every imperfection of myself. I used to literally stare and tear myself down. I hated my back fat, my love handles, my kangaroo pouch, my eczema, my flat feet, my huge chest, my big legs, the cellulite in my thighs, the shape of my butt, the length of my torso, the lines in my hands, the fullness of my lips, my double chin, etc., etc., etc. I would do this kind of thing on a daily basis and then one day it all just clicked. The serenity prayer lit a fire of acceptance within me. I began to work out, I dressed the way I wanted no longer with thoughts of “what will people think” in back of my mind, I removed the “fat Girl of the group” mentality, I began to exude confidence. I spoke with it, I dressed with it, I walked with it!
I say all this to say…CONFIDENCE AND SELF LOVE CAN BE REACHED! Although there may be things I would still like changed about my physical character it is no longer a debilitating or depressing thought process. I can look in the mirror now and see something I do not like and begin creating a plan to change it. Self love is a mental game. By strengthening the mental you can begin to accept and love the physical!